o say that this is difficult would be an understatement.
When we arrived in Luoyang on Sunday night, it was 11 o clock. Theo was asleep. Of course I went in to look at him. It was so hard to sleep in the same building with him but not be able to hold him! I woke up at 5:30 yesterday morning and went straight to his room.
My sister texted me looking for pictures and I had told her he was asleep. She said ‘He has his whole life to sleep! Wake him up! This is ridiculous!’
I agreed haha I couldn’t wait to see him. I was a little nervous. After 1.5 years- I didn’t know how I would be welcomed. His ayis were so excited to see me. He was playing with some toys in the corner of the room and I went over and sat down with him. He kept looking at me like he wasn’t quite sure what to think. After about 30 seconds- he reached over and touched my nose and said ‘mama’. Immediately I started to cry and he crawled into my lap full of smiles and laughs. I spent a couple hours with him yesterday morning, amazed by how he has progressed in the past year and a half. He is so mobile! He gets around…scooting on his behind with his arms. He talks nonstop! He knows his alphabet, colors and shapes….any question of his cognitive ability is gone. He is one smart little boy. I never would have dreamed this for him 3 summers ago when we met.
Going to lunch yesterday, I was feeling pretty good about things. I thought this was way easier than anticipated- that my peace about Theo belonging to someone else was all I needed. And then yesterday evening…it became something very different.
We had a birthday party for the kids yesterday afternoon. To all of you who contributed clothes or toys, your generosity caused great excitement here in the blue house! We said it looked like Chinese black Friday as the ayis picked out clothes for their little ones! The kids had a wonderful time eating cake and candy and popping balloons. Theo stayed pretty close to me and I held him and he was so content.Then when his ayi took him back to his room, there was a meltdown. He did not want me out of his sight.
When I went up to his room a little while after, he did not want his ayi to feed him. He kept asking for his meguay mama. (american mama- his new name for me which I think is super cute). I fed him and we laughed and I couldn’t help but think about how that could have been our life together.
Lets be honest. I know he is going to a wonderful family. I know this is the Plan for him. But I’m human. And I have loved this child as my own for so long…it is difficult to let him go. As I sat there with him, I was thinking in my head all the things that I wish I could tell him.
Its not that I didn’t want you.
I know that this is better for you.
I will never stop loving you.
I realized as I thought these things that these must be the same thoughts that these mothers feel as they abandon their children. It hit me that I feel like a birth mom-giving my baby up for adoption.
As I sat with Theo, thinking about this realization, my tears began to flow. He wiped the tears from his face and then told his ayi that meguay mama was sad.
The human part of me wishes that things were different.
The spiritual part of me is so thankful for what he has ahead. For the mother and father that love him so. That he will never become a number, or a statistic. That he is getting the life that I have prayed for him for so long.
Please pray that these two parts can come together and that a peace that surpasses all understanding will be given to me before I leave here this week.
The time is too short. I feel like I never left. I already don’t want to leave.
I am again thankful that God has called me here at this time.
Love from China!