Phillipians 1:6 states ‘He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it’
During the next 72 hours, I will be clinging to that promise. I said my first goodbyes tonight. Because of the 4 day rotation of the day shift ayis, this was the last day that I would see those in Theo’s room. I bought each of the 16 ayis in his room a bracelet. A very small token to thank them for loving the children, especially one particular one. I had Jona, the nurse go in with me to translate to them my gratitude. They were all upset that I Was leaving and they had Jona translate back to me not to forget them and to please come back, also promising that they would take good care of my little one. I have no doubt that they will.
The reality of the first goodbye has kind of smacked me in the face, making me so aware that the next 3 days are going to be filled with goodbyes. One of the things that made it easier to leave last July and this March (and Lord knows, that was still incredibly difficult) was knowing each of those times, when the next time I would be back was. This time I will be leaving without that knowledge. There will not be a date in the back of my mind that serves as a constant reminder of when I’ll get to hold my baby again. This time I will be walking out of these doors completely on the faith that God will bring me back here again.
When I think about my life, and the events, decisions and God-given passions that have led me to this place, I am constantly humbled that God would use someone like me for this type of Kingdom work. I think it is undeniable that He has begun a good work in me. There is something much bigger than me going on here and I have to trust that God will allow me to continue to be a part of it. As I was sitting up with Candace last night and talking to her about the desires of my heart, specifically for the children of China, she kept telling me how excited she was to see how God was ultimately using me here because there is no doubt that He is.
I suppose that this is the part where I have to trust His timetable more so than my own. Because I want a lot of things. And I want them now. But as I am learning more and more, His timing is perfect and that promise allows me a kind of peace that will hopefully sustain me through the days to come. He will be faithful to complete this. I can trust in that. I know that there are times that it will not be easy and my heart will break and I will be in a place where I would give absolutely anything to kiss Theo’s sweet little cheeks.
I have also had to come to the tough understanding that perhaps what God is doing with me isn’t really about Theo specifically, but more about what he represents as a whole. He represents every child without a parent, all over the world. And maybe that’s what this whole thing is about. When I went to the state run orphanage yesterday, I could see Theo in the eyes of all of those children, because even though my heart belongs to him…each of them need the same things that he does. I cannot forget that.
I tried to keep today as notmal as possible. I wanted to love on all of those that I have made a special connection with Lucas, Lebron, Jessica, Martina, Carissa, Carter, Asher, Suzie, Aiden and of course Theo. I can’t stand to think about saying good bye to him. The little boy who holds his arms out for me when I simply leave the room for five minutes and all the way down the hall I can hear him screaming ‘mama!’. I can’t handle that…and its not fair to him to feel the absence of someone who loves him so much. I wish there was a way to make him understand that he is part of a really big plan. And I’m not running away from him, only towards the divine timing that will reveal what that plan is. I just wish I could promise him that he’s safe. But I can’t. Because there are no guarantees. But I do know that this is not nearly over.
Keep me in your prayers. I will need them now the most!
Love from China!
(ps…notice how I’m getting a little more spiritually gutsy in my final entries from China? haha)