Showinghopetochina's Blog

James 1:27

It’s not over July 30, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — showinghopetochina @ 4:06 pm

Phillipians 1:6 states ‘He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it’

During the next 72 hours, I will be clinging to that promise. I said my first goodbyes tonight. Because of the 4 day rotation of the day shift ayis, this was the last day that I would see those in Theo’s room. I bought each of the 16 ayis in his room a bracelet. A very small token to thank them for loving the children, especially one particular one. I had Jona, the nurse go in with me to translate to them my gratitude. They were all upset that I Was leaving and they had Jona translate back to me not to forget them and to please come back, also promising that they would take good care of my little one. I have no doubt that they will.

The reality of the first goodbye has kind of smacked me in the face, making me so aware that the next 3 days are going to be filled with goodbyes. One of the things that made it easier to leave last July and this March (and Lord knows, that was still incredibly difficult) was knowing each of those times, when the next time I would be back was. This time I will be leaving without that knowledge. There will not be a date in the back of my mind that serves as a constant reminder of when I’ll get to hold my baby again. This time I will be walking out of these doors completely on the faith that God will bring me back here again.

When I think about my life, and the events, decisions and God-given passions that have led me to this place, I am constantly humbled that God would use someone like me for this type of Kingdom work. I think it is undeniable that He has begun a good work in me. There is something much bigger than me going on here and I have to trust that God will allow me to continue to be a part of it. As I was sitting up with Candace last night and talking to her about the desires of my heart, specifically for the children of China, she kept telling me how excited she was to see how God was ultimately using me here because there is no doubt that He is.

I suppose that this is the part where I have to trust His timetable more so than my own. Because I want a lot of things. And I want them now. But as I am learning more and more, His timing is perfect and that promise allows me a kind of peace that will hopefully sustain me through the days to come. He will be faithful to complete this. I can trust in that. I know that there are times that it will not be easy and my heart will break and I will be in a place where I would give absolutely anything to kiss Theo’s sweet little cheeks.

I have also had to come to the tough understanding that perhaps what God is doing with me isn’t really about Theo specifically, but more about what he represents as a whole. He represents every child without a parent, all over the world. And maybe that’s what this whole thing is about. When I went to the state run orphanage yesterday, I could see Theo in the eyes of all of those children, because even though my heart belongs to him…each of them need the same things that he does. I cannot forget that.

I tried to keep today as notmal as possible. I wanted to love on all of those that I have made a special connection with Lucas, Lebron, Jessica, Martina, Carissa, Carter, Asher, Suzie, Aiden and of course Theo. I can’t stand to think about saying good bye to him. The little boy who holds his arms out for me when I simply leave the room for five minutes and all the way down the hall I can hear him screaming ‘mama!’. I can’t handle that…and its not fair to him to feel the absence of someone who loves him so much. I wish there was a way to make him understand that he is part of a really big plan. And I’m not running away from him, only towards the divine timing that will reveal what that plan is. I just wish I could promise him that he’s safe. But I can’t. Because there are no guarantees. But I do know that this is not nearly over.

Keep me in your prayers. I will need them now the most!

Love from China!

(ps…notice how I’m getting a little more spiritually gutsy in my final entries from China? haha)


6 Responses to “It’s not over”

  1. Tonya K. Says:

    I’m sending you all my prayers and asking for strength as you endure the next 3 days. God is Faithful and God is Good.
    Much love,
    Tonya K.

  2. Kathie Franzke Says:

    Again, beautifully written from the heart. As much as I long to see you, my heart is breaking for what you must endure in the next three days. Another hurt I can no longer fix with a kiss and a bandaid. You know I am praying for the strength and perfect peace that only comes from Him. Love you bunches.

  3. Barbara Says:

    I can’t wait to see you next week.

  4. Lindsay Says:

    Thinking about you friend! Sorry I missed when you called earlier…phone issues…hopefully tomorrow morning we can talk while I am having coffee! Can’t WAIT til next Thursday!!

  5. Caroline Greene Says:

    I am crying…crying because this post is BEAUTIFUL and crying because of the good-byes that you are about to go through. I think about Martha and how I would do anything to hug and kiss her sweet face. Realizing that she is so far away makes my head hurt and gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. I know you know what that feels like and it kills me that you are beginning to get that pain again.
    I loved when you said, “I wish there was a way to make him understand that he is part of a really big plan. And I’m not running away from him, only towards the divine timing that will reveal what that plan is.” There is no timing as perfect as the Lord’s. Keep walking by faith and trusting that God has placed the desire for changing the world for orphans in your heart as His desire. He will continue to fulfill that desire in the way that He has planned it. Hold onto that truth and never let it go. I love you and am praying or you now more than ever! Thinking about seeing you next week is a bitter-sweet feeling. The selfish side of my can’t wait to hug you and talk for hours about your journey over these past 6 weeks, but I also know how much you will be struggling next week. Therefore whatever you need me for I will be there. You can cry in my lap. We can eat lots of Sweet Cece’s, watch Food Network Star, clean out your apartment, look at your pictures, pray for Theo, pray for the orphans, and pray for China. I love you like crazy and am here for you ALWAYS!

  6. Mary Says:

    My you write beautifully! I can “hear” the saddness in your voice when reading this…it will surely be a tough time leaving, but many, many prayers are with you!

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